Reflections

I am realizing how much life has improved since this time last year. Valentine's day last year my incredibly crappy ex did nothing. He has an "anti-Valentine's day" dinner the night before, but refused to acknowledge the day itself. I realized a couple of weeks before that that I was no longer in love with him, but it wasn't until that day that it hit me hard. I cried that night and asked him if he even loved me. I think I was looking for a mutual out, I think I was hoping he would say no. But he said yes and I could see it in his face. We went on a break 19 days later on March 5th. On March 17th I found out he had cheated on me with my supposed best friend. I waited until the 20th to meet up with him to end it because I knew he had an exam and I cared enough to not end it before the test.

I ended it and refused to cry in front of him. A week later he came to my house and bought me lunch, my favorite drink, and my favorite snack as well as a mixed CD. Too little too late. He asked me to forgive him but in the end I made him leave. He came around my work a lot and it was awkward. He told me when I changed my mind, he would still be there. 3 weeks later he went out on a date with the girl he is now dating. It made me wonder if he was rebounding or if he had just lied again and had never loved me at all.

I worked out too much, I drank too much, I ate too little. Then I moved on after a week of being stupid. I reconnected with the man I had been infatuated with as a teen and we have been together ever since.

It amazes me how much more I feel with him, how much happier he makes me and how much I want nothing more than to be with him for always. It makes me wonder if I was ever in love with my ex or if I was just settling. I remember being interested in marrying my ex as we dated for many years but I was never overjoyed. My current, lovely boyfriend and I have not ever discussed marriage but we both have indicated we are looking for long term commitments. My current boyfriend I am so much more ecstatic about that I cringe when I think what I would be like if I was stuck with my dead end ex who still lived at home at the age of 28 (now 29 and still at home unless he's mooching off his current girlfriend) and made me spend my money on him all the time while he spent very little on me. I don't put price tags on relationships, but if I am the one making all the expenditures, something is clearly wrong.

Flash forward a week after my breakup when I reconnected with my now boyfriend. We had drinks, I kissed him. We went on some dates, he went to OCS and we wrote letters. There was an interim where he decided to end things as his family was trying to kick him out and he was worried about being military (this lasted all of 10 days). Since then things have gotten more serious, more fun, and I am absurdly in love. I am completely and utterly in love to the point where I feel my body radiating with it. I feel like people can look at me and must be able to feel it too. I hope they do, because I want to share the supreme happiness I feel.

One year after the beginning of the end of phase one of my life and I am the best me I have been in a long time. I met the best friends of my life, started dating the love of my life, got a fantastic job, moved out, and am in my last semester of college. I am living life, and living it well. My boyfriend said to me it saddened him how many people don't enjoy life; I told him I have never enjoyed life more.

I want to hold him, he tells me he wants to hold me without prompting. He is my favorite and I want for nothing. I am finally free of regret, of fear, of uncertainty for the first time in my life. I wish everyone in the world the same happiness.